I’ve been writing almost every day to document my thoughts and feelings. With the star of Coronavirus here in NY, it’s been getting pretty relevant… especially on the subway.
—— Day 1. The baby is crying again, they’re fighting. Day 2. There’s laughter, the baby squeals and I hear his footsteps stomp quickly through the house. They laugh and chase him. The subway walls are stained with rust and grime. It’s dark and and dank. The trains screech into the station as budget machines designed without my ears in mind. ——- I made a mistake in sudoku. I hit the wrong button and it wasn’t supposed to be a mistake. ——— Mildly infuriating Organization related The turned sewer cap Misplaced tile ——- The anxiety about not being heard. Do I not feel heard? Sort of. I feel like I have to tell my story. Why? Why do I need to tell my story? Why do I need to be heard? Is it because I want to be understood? How very regular. —— I worry that I worry too much, but also that through fantasizing I’m not taking action for things that I want to do. What are my blockers for doing this project? Talking about how I’m not doing it? Is that helpful? Or is it just thought? —- Can I write without some other form of motivation? —- Yes, this is fine, don’t lose momentum just keep making. It leads to good things. Just keep going. —— Could I make a chat or to quell anxiety? Can it learn from you? What does it ask? Is this chat it just telling me things? Or is it learning? —- Can it talk to you and get to know you? —- Or does it interact with you by interacting with your world and testing reactions? —— What does anxiety look like to a conservative? What does that look like? Is it similarities? Immigration? —— Scissors This pile of clothes The dust This pile of boxes This clutter The clutter The tarp on the roof next door blowing in the wind The silver sky and ominous light, will it rain? Does my plant need water? Should I clean the walls? I need to find a home for this unused table I’m going to be late thinking about this This wedding planning is stressing me out My fiancée’s stress is stressing me out The neighbors downstairs keep stomping back and forth The train still rumbles the apartment This board creaks I need to fix this shelf The weekly weekly is useful anxiety This wall is falling down All of these walls are falling down This pile of construction debris has been here longer than we have That cat probably has fleas Someone should clean up those cat cans, the water in them is disgusting There’s trash everywhere At least it’s not dog shit What if these grates don’t hold my weight? What the hell is going on here? Just more garbage That’s gonna snag someone and give them tetanus I feel bad about criticizing poverty I don’t know why I feel bad which makes me feel bad Con Ed should come clean up their shit. They have money. Stop making a fucking mess and forgetting about it I don’t want people to read. I don’t want them to know how angry this makes me. I hide my anger. I yell at people in my head. I don’t yell at people in real life. I don’t understand why that is. Maybe that’s why it’s easy to yell over Twitter, because it’s somewhere in between. Maybe that’s the point of writing I wonder if anyone on this train needs to sit down more than I do? Am I being selfish? This project seems selfish. It’s just about me. Is that okay? I worry that if I make it too personal, and people reject the project, they’ll be rejecting me as well. I don’t want to be rejected It doesn’t feel good Does anyone on this train need to sit down more than me? The train is loud and shaky It’s moving fast If something happened we’d all be seriously injured How fast are we actually going? Is holding onto these bars enough? Should I be learning a second language? I stopped learning French and Spanish and Italian and mandarin I’m probably never going to be good at any of them Someone’s wearing a Bernie pin I think this train is full of Hillary supporters who are mad at that Hillary lost because she wasn’t like able. She had a shrill voice and I never saw her move a crowd. She sucked the air out of the room at the DNC. Bill, Barack, Michelle, they all lit up the crowd, she got up and the room went mild. That’s why she lost. She had no charisma. She was qualified. But lacked charisma. I don’t know if that’s really it. She won the popular vote. Maybe she did motivate people, but not like Bernie. He lights up the room and has done it all through grass roots campaigning. It’s fucking incredible. Using only charisma and the same strong message. There’s no ambiguity. He’s got something she didn’t and I think people don’t like that. I feel pressure to feel bad for thinking this way, which makes me believe it more. Because fuck you for using gender politics to passive aggressively use guilt to beg for my appraisal I resent you for it I don’t want this to make me look bad But that’s how I look Have some compassion This seems like I feel strongly about it I do I don’t want people to read this I don’t want to be rejected But that’s how I feel I don’t think I’m wrong I have evidence We can go back and watch the tapes We can see it happen Maybe if we did I wouldn’t see it the same way again Maybe I’d interpret it differently Does anyone on this train need to sit down more than I do? Am I being selfish? I found a trigger I think of the people I disagreed with during the election The arguments No one thought he was going to win. At least in my circle I felt like the only one I didn’t think she could win I was made to feel ashamed for saying it I got in arguments I tried to tell people about the rise of white nationalism Maybe it was crazy talk But look at the children now in cages Look at the crazies with high powered rifles gunning down people that look like immigrants No one listened I felt muted And I resent it And now I’m glad that Bernie is winning because it means I was right I saw someone after the election that I hadn’t seen since before. He was one of the few people I knew that saw it the same way ‘We were right’ he said ‘I know’ I didn’t feel good about being right I don’t know that we were right It’s no sense in thinking about hypotheticals I want him to win now so I can be right Maybe he’ll lose, maybe he would’ve lost But I think he’s got the best chance of winning Maybe I’m wrong How’d I get down this rabbit hole? 1 pin The election The fuckface in office Resentment from being mocked and doubted I see a pattern of anger and recovery Swings from one side of the pendulum to the other Only revealing one of the swings publicly I’m anxious that people will see both sides Maybe everyone gets angry at invisible people that they resent for hurting them I have no idea I’m not other people I fear if people read this they will reject me and I won’t be successful I don’t know if that’s a reasonable fear These train doors aren’t closing Someone is holding them open I think weddings ruin relationships between mothers and daughters It’s getting cold outside again It’s almost March March is the longest day of the year, wanting spring to come The winter is wearing on me Signs of warmth interrupted by bouts of cold The longest month of the year We keep talking about the corona virus In the movies there’s always ominous music before a disaster You don’t get that in real life The sun still shines and the radio still plays pop I forgot to do some paperwork and now it’s last minute I hate paperwork It’s always last minute This wedding planning is straining my relationship I hate it I seem to only write when I’m on the subway It’s more reflection than reaction I wonder if I’m doing this right I should be recording reactions and thoughts Negative thoughts? Where are the positive thoughts? When am I having them? I get I excited by the success of my work I get excited when I see the result of my efforts Puppies and kittens Babies cooing This train is moving well Can I record positive inputs? The books being read Actual books The seated pregnant woman The seated old ladies I got on the train the other day, early in the morning. I realized that the benches were filled with little old ladies. All the laborers were standing. The young men and women had given up their seats. The whole train was like that It’s weird that the train is where I spend such a significant portion of my day I’m not anxious I’m tired I’m worried about arguing about wedding stuff I don’t look forward to going home and arguing about wedding stuff I don’t look forward to going home I’ve stayed at work late today It’s not out of avoidance There was legitimately too much to do today and last minute to-do’s The book next to me, being read, is beautiful I don’t know the artist but it looks like cherry blossoms I want to see the cherry blossom festival I’m happy about The Weekly Weekly People are showing up The art is good The possibilities are good I don’t know what I’d do without it It’s a life raft It’s a weekly reminder to keep going A monthly reminder to meet and talk And a yearly reminder to make it all public The screeching of the train wheels This Dan Deacon is good though I forgot how much I loved it So much print being read I spoke to the woman next to me about the art book I have name of the artist I may go see the show I worry that people can read what I’m writing Why are you watching me? Look the other way! Ha. Conversations with invisible people Texts to un watching eyes To the right she sleeps To the left she reads No one is watching Do the red walls of bowling green make me nervous? I can’t tell if colors make me nervous, only that they distract me Contrast draws my eye Sharp noise draws my attention I love the calm of the air during fresh snow Even noisy cars creep along with a whisper The world is calm with rounded edges Why do architects love hard edges and louvers? Architects love louvers and lines and grids Hard lines through soft edges Where is the contrast in the city It is only hard lines I can’t tell if she’s laughing or crying I thought crying at first, then thought no must be laughing, but what if it’s crying, no it’s laughing More print books on the subway And they might be giants hats How do you find happiness in all this clutter of hard edges? Where are the delightful boundaries of unpredictable beauty that doesn’t come from urban detritus? The difference between trash and growth Decay and life Always seeing buildings during their dying days How do we rejuvenate the neighborhood with out displacing the people? There is obvious neglect I want to tweet that photo of Con Ed’s cones just lying on the street I just argued with them in my head I wonder how many other people argue with invisible powers about the neglect? Man, I want to just start fixing shit in my neighborhood It’s not my property but damn I stayed up reading about corona virus The thing that’s scares me is how little people are concerned That’s the recipe for disaster The flu kills about 61,000 people in the US each year at a .1 % death rate Corona virus is 20X more deadly so that puts the deaths at about 600,000 people a year I bought groceries last night Stocked up on spaghetti Japan has closed all schools for a month My Hasidic neighborhood is so communal, if it gets here, everyone is getting it The city’s subway system will carry it everywhere within days Hospitals will be at capacity There will be panic People will stop trusting each other Most likely the museums will close The’ll want to stop the spreading I’ll probably want to get another job I feel somewhat protected with my job but not very I missed my bus transfer writing this I feel I shouldn’t ignore it though I feel that I ignore a lot Shut it out To deal with it My bathroom is dirty My house needs a cleaning I’ll go crazy trying to fix everything Transfers transfer transfer Transfers spread people across trains Transfers spread corona viruses Ugh Thinking about work I feel like I don’t get recognized for my accomplishments I feel like people don’t know what they are I feel like there’s plenty of who I am that will go unnoticed or undervalued That’s why I need the weekly weekly Is what I do not valuable or do I just see it as devalued? Was the work I was doing actually not interesting? I feel like what I’m doing now is more interesting There’s a lot to it But I do want to create That’s the differences And I think that’s what I’m unsure about What happens if I just lean into it? I have to deliver an alternative choice of hardware to a vendor. Smithsonian doesn’t want to purchase the hardware they’ve specified I’m annoyed at the the Smithsonian for these rules and runaround It’s costing us time and our equipment is still broken It’s frustrating and I don’t want to have to bring the vendor into the term oil of uncertainty that’s here but I have to I just don’t want to be in this position It’s so minor Really Not life or death How can I position it differently? I feel like the religious right has taken over the media to show images of the end of the world. Locusts, plagues, and now a pray-the-gay-away VP is in charge of this virus Sensational imagery to lead people to anxiety of the end The inevitable plagues of the past are back to wipe out populations We’re on the brink of economic collapse The planet is warming The icebergs are melting We’re in the process of change Change means the end And the beginning Accelerate into the future We’re being taken over by Accelerationists Accelerationism I don’t want to write on the train home today I’m tired. Too many discussions in one day I feel a little better today God that sucks What’ll I write about if it isn’t anxiety, stress and depression Now that’s funny Last night they announced someone in NY has coronavirus I ordered more supplies Peanut butter, dry goods, canned food I’m more afraid of the panic than the virus Dana is beginning to take it seriously Someone is coughing on the subway I’m not touching these poles I’d rather fall over The waiter touched my glass last night He could have just poured my water But not I could see his fingerprints on the glass I don’t want to hold these bars but I might have to The recycled air is probably just forcing it right into my lungs This subway car is an incubator I’ve counted 38 people on the car I touched the pole I can’t touch my face I’ve got to wash my hands I saw someone posted about home made antibacterial That could be useful It’s not so much that I need bulk It’s the rush The panic The empty shelves Then what? I want to sit so I can stop grabbing this pole This happens with hurricanes People panic They buy bottled water The shelves are empty But the hurricane comes and goes The next day they restock the shelves This lingers Coronavirus is like Uber but for Pandemics Two people got up Two women sat down Fucking chivalry is gonna get me killed I’m still holding this pole Three people are drinking coffee No one is wearing gloves I need to stop surveying this train If someone’s watching me they’ll think I’m creepy Who’s watching me? I am creepy I think there are now about 80 people on this car Maybe more I can’t see I got to sit I just can’t touch my face No one is coughing I wonder if There will be coronavirus exhaustion People will be tired of worrying and just decide to live with it Then we’ve got a cold that kills two percent of everyone who gets it That’s fucked up My conspiracy theory is that they won’t invent a vaccine for it because they’d inadvertently create a cure for the common cold and wouldn’t be able to sell anymore Vick’s vapor rub, NyQuil or Tylenol PM A million deaths in the a year in the US ooooooor NyQuil? God fucking damn showtime What the fuck It’s nine thirty in the morning I’m trying to write about anxiety and this fuck is just dancing and flipping and blasting music? How the hell am I supposed to stay scared and angry when this is so damn entertaining? He’s not bad He’s not that good either but there’s no way in hell I could do that Fuck I touched my face Fuck I washed my hands when I got to work but not before touching my wallet and ID There’s no way to stay sanitary There’s two homeless people on the subway today 1 Lying on the bench the other with his garbage spread everywhere Sickness and filth Everyone seems uncomfortable I’ll change trains at the next stop I might change cars or just wait for another train I can’t do anything about neglected people Mental illness A failed healthcare system A failed Care system My eyes burn from the smell I’m getting off this train I moved cars I want gloves I don’t want to touch the rails I’ve wrapped my jacket cuff around the pole There’s dirty tissues on an empty seat No one wants to touch it I got my marriage license this morning We’re getting married on Friday I don’t want to wait until May The city could be shut down I want Dana on my insurance She’s freelance Has Oscar If something happens it’ll cost us a small fortune I can’t take that risk Our May date could at the peak of the spread We just don’t know Better safe than sorry We’ll have a fun day It’s the only day of the week that’s supposed to rain I hear that’s good luck That’s just what they tell people Our families are coming in My sister can’t be there because they were in Italy and have self quarantined My brother in law isn’t allowed to go to work for two weeks We’ll probably postpone our honeymoon Our healthcare system isn’t set up to handle this It’ll bankrupt people This is why we need better care It’ll be a wake up call Greed has no place here There is only life And death It won’t be the last pandemic It’s mild And that makes people complacent And that makes this bad The mortality rate It’s only two percent they say It’s as contagious as the flu they say The flu kills 60,000 Americans each year The flu is .1% This could kill 20X that 1.2 Million a year It’s 3% in Iran That’s 1.8 Million Who knows what’ll happen It’s all anyone talks about In the coffee shop this morning “20% of our supply chain comes from China. We might not have product after April” The Fed just cut interest rates Maybe it’s a good time to refinance my loans If they close the museum I hope I’ll be able keep my job If I stick with my current loans I can always defer until the economy picks back up I’ve already deferred while I was freelancing It cost me tens of thousands of dollars in interest in the long run I hope it was worth it I’ll pay it off by the time I have to pay for kids tuition That’s insane I’ll never stop paying student loans ever again That’s insane I probably should have moved to Tahiti like the song says I’d be just as poor but warm I’m almost to work Just a little late today and I got a marriage license The woman at the desk was hilarious The whole situation was depressing We got in through metal detectors The waiting room was dank Just chairs lined up and false walls with glass Just like you’d expect from a borough govt building The woman checking us in had a breathing problem and she didn’t speak up No one wanted to be there But people did want to be there The woman at the window was cold at first She perked up when we asked where the ceremony was going to be She looked up towards the ceiling and spread her arms Right here in this beautiful room of course We were all in on it We knew it was absurd She lightened the mood She took us to the chapel It wasn’t glamorous but it was better There were a few couples there They looked young I felt old and out of place But Dana looked happy She smiled And teared up It wasn’t glamour but it was nice It felt weird and silly Absurd But it was nice We kissed on the street and went to separate trains Heading to work That was the strangest part To just go to work like nothing was different I miss her now I love her I keep hearing people talk about the future “In a couple of weeks” I don’t know what the world will look like in a couple of weeks Day by day things are changing Anxiety is growing People are starting to panic More people are testing positive About the only thing that’s alright right now is the wedding on Friday It’s appropriately apocalyptic The municipal building at borough hall is already a scene The wedding on Friday and this dog I’m sitting next to Those two things The dog left Just the wedding I’m not convinced about the future But the birds are chirping and children play It can’t be the end of the world Everything seems so normal Except all the impending doom So much impending doom We decided to shut down the interactives in the museum Devices for every visitor Touchscreens that don’t get sanitized except for the mornings All places of filth I worry about the visitors, and the staff who just trusts that everything is clean and wonderful What about the part time staff that pay for their own insurance? What about the groups of schoolchildren who unknowingly spread whatever lingers with them? Shut it down I don’t want to be part of the problem I don’t want to create breeding grounds I want to keep this thing at bay The hard part is not knowing whether I’m overreacting It’s all logical though Get married Get health insurance Stop handing out communal toys Stop spreading anything How is this so hard? The unknown is the hard part The good part is I haven’t had to fight for any of it People seem to feel comforted by action I don’t want to wait for someone to tell us what to do I want to do what’s right and hope that people understand They’ll understand I can’t protect the world